{"id":2008,"date":"2019-10-11T11:48:50","date_gmt":"2019-10-11T11:48:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pinkarmenia.org\/news-events\/coming-out\/"},"modified":"2023-04-26T07:50:54","modified_gmt":"2023-04-26T07:50:54","slug":"coming-out","status":"publish","type":"news_events","link":"https:\/\/pinkarmenia.org\/en\/news-events\/coming-out\/","title":{"rendered":"Coming Out"},"content":{"rendered":"

Article by Gabe Mugalian<\/em><\/span>
\nArt by Michelle Der Vartanian<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

In 2015, Armenia infamously placed 47th out of 49 European and Eurasian countries in a ranking of civil liberties, protections, and recognition allowed to queer (LGBTQ) folk by their governments. Four years later, after a regime change and persistent grassroots efforts to push queer rights forward, this number hasn\u2019t improved. While this is incredibly disappointing, it is an unfortunate reality that queer Armenians are relegated to the margins of Armenian society, facing discrimination, shame, and violence. In the face of such physical and psychological danger, many queer Armenians choose to conceal their identities, but at what cost?<\/p>\n

This October 11, celebrated as National Coming Out Day, Kooyrigs<\/a> has spoken to five queer folks from around the global Armenian community–Kathleen, Zach, Peter, Nora, and Armen–who share common experiences in their coming-out process. While many of these moments have involved denial, violence, and fear, the stories we heard have also involved messages of hope and acceptance, a cornerstone of Armenian culture and resilience.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Coming Out<\/h3>\n

You have probably heard the term \u2018coming out,\u2019 meaning when someone who is queer understands and accepts their queerness and communicates to others and themselves about their gender or sexuality. It may seem like this is an easy step, or that it is completely necessary; at worst, it can seem dishonest to keep our identities hidden. However, coming out to oneself and to others can be one of the most difficult moments in a person\u2019s life. There are many factors which may cause someone to remain discreet about their gender or sexuality, such as fear of losing beloved family, friends, or lovers. Even if somebody comes out to a trusted friend or relative, they may not share their identity with coworkers or the general public, for fear of losing their job, their home, or their life. In this right, it is wrong to reveal someone else\u2019s identity–even with the intention of helping that person–because you might be putting them in uncomfortable and dangerous situations. Ultimately, coming out is a continuous, highly-personal process in which queer folks are constantly evaluating their safety, comfort, and trust of others.<\/p>\n

Coming out begins when one realizes the way they want to be identified, the body they feel comfortable in, the people they want to have romantic or sexual relationships with, and other complex aspects of their humanity. This is different for everybody. For example, someone who is transgender is not automatically gay–and vice versa–because sexuality, gender, and biological sex are not inherently linked. For many people, this process of self-identification begins at a very young age, before we have been socialized to perform our expected gender roles. Zach Kojoyan, a queer and non-binary 29-year-old from Richmond, Virginia told us, \u201cI was probably first aware of my queerness around age five or six. I remember always wondering what it would be like if my body was different, and why my body was the way it was.\u201d Kathleen Aydjian, a 26-year-old from Los Angeles who identifies as bisexual and cisgender, confirmed this trend, and said, \u201cI always realized my attractions were different than other people, but I didn\u2019t quite understand everything. As I grew older (especially in middle school), I would research as much as I could with what was available to me (early 2000\u2019s) about LGBT+ and eventually, I realized my feelings weren\u2019t alone or strange.\u201d<\/p>\n

Like Kathleen, many people do not have the resources to learn about diverse genders and sexualities while growing up, and some do not begin to develop such understanding until their teenage years and well into adulthood. An anonymous Muscowite in their early 20\u2019s, who we\u2019ll call Peter, told us, \u201cI was fortunate enough to have understood the fact that I\u2019m gay relatively early on (in my early-teen years) not having fallen into the trap of self-denial, but I know this is a struggle for some of my Armenian queer friends, a portion of whom have accepted themselves in their late twenties and the rest still reject who they are.\u201d This narrative plays out time and time again, a result of internal and external denial stemming from global society\u2019s negative views of LGBTQ people. These views are often due to limited exposure and understanding of different identities. An anonymous 17-year-old Yerevantsi, who we\u2019ll call Nora, spoke to this when she said, \u201cin my family, we never really talked about LGBT until 2015, so because of that I grew up homophobic.\u201d Thinking back, she added, \u201cI can\u2019t tell you when exactly I realized I was [bisexual], but I know that at least since 2015, when gay marriage became legal in the US, I knew\u2026 [and] as stupid as it may sound, anime and the anime fandom, with all of their boy x boy shipping, made me grow comfortable with the concept of LGBT.\u201d This taps into the importance of representation in media and exposure to different identities and lifestyles from family, friends, and community.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Family<\/h3>\n

Unfortunately, the prejudices held by global society, especially the Armenian community, often emerge when we are coming out to our family and friends. Nora, reflecting on a time when her mom would not stop pressuring her about her sexuality, said, \u201cI finally gave in and in tears told her \u2018I wouldn\u2019t mind marrying a girl\u2019 and just cried so much because I thought my mum would hate me.\u201d Nora went on to say, \u201cMy mum was so in denial about me being [bisexual] that she forgot and I had to come out to her the second time\u2026 From then on I just avoided talking about it, and came out only to people who I knew wouldn\u2019t mind me being [bisexual], which in Armenia is surprisingly a lot of people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Peter, citing a similar experience, told us, \u201cI\u2019m open to a handful of friends and one family member\u2026 as far as that family member is concerned, they first got confused and sad over the \u2018news\u2019 that I\u2019m into boys and not into girls, then the denial stage kicked in — the family member speculated that \u2018no one in the family is like that<\/em>, and so it\u2019s not possible that you are really into guys,\u2019\u201d going as far as to question the \u2018purity\u2019 of their family genes. Peter added, \u201cright now the family member believes that I just haven\u2019t found a girl that I would fall in love with yet.\u201d This type of denial is common, but it is usually a result of societal pressure to be a \u2018good\u2019 Armenian family. Peter said, \u201cYou are expected by your parents and extended family to find an Armenian girl and marry her (this becomes particularly pressing in the context of being a diasporan), have children, and thus pass your \u2018Armenianness\u2019 to the next generation,\u201d which creates the internalized understanding that anything other than heterosexual relationships are not only prohibited, but wrong and un-Armenian.<\/p>\n

Reaffirming this, Kathleen told us, \u201dbeing in religious schools and a very Armenian family, I always was met with homophobia and homophobic language.\u201d She explained, \u201cwith my family, it is only my mom who, while loves me for who I am, hides it from the rest of my family since they are far more conservative. It makes me worry if I ever was in a non-hetero relationship what would happen.\u201d Thinking back, Kathleen told us, \u201cwhen I was 14 years old, I finally admitted my sexuality to myself. I tried to come out to my mom then, who dismissed it and claimed it was \u2018just a phase but I was straight in the end,\u2019\u201d a common form of homophobia which seeks to pass-off queer identities as \u2018phases\u2019 or cries for attention. While we have all seen and heard in-your-face homophobia like expletives and staring, sometimes the expectations that our family has reflected an ingrained prejudice against LGBTQ people in a more subtle way. When these expectations aren\u2019t met, it can lead to anger and confusion, or dismissal of queer identities.<\/p>\n

Touching on this, Zach told us, \u201cI came out to my parents the first time at 24. It went well because they can be pretty progressive and I didn\u2019t exactly tell them everything. At 26, I told them everything. My mom was extremely supportive and a little excited. My dad was not. He yelled and cursed and tried to place blame on someone or something for making me this way\u2026 He eventually said he just wants me to be happy, healthy and safe.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Violence<\/h3>\n

While some people are lucky enough to experience acceptance from their families and communities, others continue to face denial and, all-too-often, physical, emotional, economic, and psychological violence. Zach, telling us about one of their coming-out experiences, said, \u201cI later told a teacher of mine, someone I had considered a friend and mentor… This teacher would go on to become my worst abuser and whenever I tried to get myself out of that toxic \u2018relationship\u2019, she weaponized my gender identity against me: \u2018No one will ever love you for this the way I do.\u2019 That lasted almost two years.\u201d This type of isolation is made possible when LGBTQ identities are not allowed to be open in their societies, which opens the gate for even more violent and traumatizing situations.<\/p>\n

Shedding more light on this reality, Armen Hovhannes, a 59-year-old non-binary person from San Francisco, said, \u201cmy parents left this world never having been able to accept me. One of the last things my father said to me was, \u2018the only thing I regret is that I didn\u2019t beat you more. Then maybe you would have changed your disgusting life.\u201d They explained, \u201dmy mother outed me when I was 15\u2026 She proceeded to tell me my father was going to kill me, which was true because he did try. Twice. Once with a knife, once with his hands to my throat. I left [home] to save my life. That was 1977\u2026 It was still really dangerous for LGBTQ people even outside the Armenian community. I didn\u2019t know where to turn…\u00a0 after my father attacked me with a knife, tried to strangle me, I tried to kill myself, and lots of other violent episodes, I left home at 17.\u201d Armen went on to say, \u201cwhen I was a queer youth, it was still totally common to be jumped, beaten, and killed for being visibly non-conforming. Yes, even in [San Francisco]… I\u2019ve been attacked and gay-bashed, years ago, before hate crime was a thing. And cops laughed at you if you took your queer ass in to report such things,\u201d because there was no one else willing to defend you. Armen reminds us of the endangered reality lived by many queer people even to this day. They told us, \u201cI\u2019m 59. I spent the first 10 years of my adult life in San Francisco, homeless off-and-on, drifting around aimlessly, working at the lowest-paying and hardest jobs,\u201d with the silver lining being, \u201cat least I was finally living in a gay community.\u201d<\/p>\n

The dream of living in an overtly queer-friendly community is often idealized by queer youth, especially those who were not raised in one already. However, not only is this largely inaccessible to most people (who cannot afford to leave their families, jobs, hometowns, etc.) but the need to escape violent situations stunts the growth and diversity of the communities we are leaving and does not eliminate the danger. Nora, reconciling herself with reality, says, \u201cI\u2019ve been always dreaming about the fact that I\u2019d be able to leave Armenia and then express myself however I\u2019d like. But then I realized that people in Armenia will find out and that it\u2019ll be dangerous to return. Also if the government finds out, I might not be allowed to have a driver\u2019s license and be a teacher,\u201d citing psychiatric examination records–the tool used to exempt homosexual men from serving in the Armenian military–as grounds used to deny employment and other rights. This brings to light the sort of institutional violence LGBTQ folk experience throughout their lives, of which most cases go unreported and unrecognized.<\/p>\n

These situations often cause people to hide their identities, such as Kathleen, who said of her sexuality, \u201cwhile living in Armenia, most people don\u2019t know about it and that is for my own safety. Those that do know I feel I can trust with that knowledge. I hate that I have to do it, but it\u2019s, unfortunately, something I am all too familiar with doing.\u201d Zach also resigned to the reality, said, \u201cmy queerness is often hidden even when I don\u2019t want it to be. I\u2019m especially hidden here in Armenia. I\u2019m not necessarily trying\u2026 It\u2019s just not that apparent\u201d because of the societal expectations of what a \u2018man\u2019 looks like. While the implications of \u2018passing\u2019 as heterosexual or cisgender are not necessarily violent in a physical sense, they do cause internal struggles which can manifest themselves in similarly negative ways, especially when one\u2019s true identity is not valued or accepted by their communities and society at large.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Acceptance<\/h3>\n

Everybody craves validation and acceptance in their lives in one way or another. Unfortunately, the threat of violence causes many queer folk to intentionally hide, sometimes denying their identities or living double-lives. Peter told us that \u201ca noticable part of Armenian queer guys I meet (including gay guys) say they will start a heteronormative family (marry a girl and have children) at some point of their lives and will go on having relationships with guys alongside\u201d in order to blend in and be accepted in mainstream society. Others seek acceptance from other sources they see as important, like Armen, who said, \u201cas a kid, I was pretty religious, growing up in the Armenian Apostolic church\u2026 right up until puberty, I prayed every night to God and to Jesus to make me a boy. I truly believed that one morning I\u2019d wake up in my real gender. I especially thought Jesus would understand because he kind of looked androgynous in the artistic depictions we saw. I really loved that.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is normal to want acceptance from those around us, whether it be our Gods, academic and cultural communities, or friends and family.\u00a0 However, not everyone has the same expectations or needs when it comes to acceptance. When asked about how the Armenian community can be more accepting, Zach told us, \u201cI don\u2019t know that I need anything from the Armenian community. Unfortunately, I\u2019ve felt like an outsider to [this] community for most of my life. If anything, I need the same thing from the Armenian community that I do from the rest of the world. I need them to see me as a person first. Not as a man. Not as an Armenian. Just a person.\u201c In this right, acceptance begins at a personal level, especially with the acceptance of oneself. As Zach told us, \u201cfor me, being queer is life-saving. I know that it can be dangerous and I know that I benefit from being able to pass as a [cisgender heterosexual] man. But if I didn\u2019t know who I was, I don\u2019t know if I would have survived this long. Finding my queer identity brought me closer to stability, being certain of myself and being able to say confidently that this is who I am. I know myself better now that I understand my queerness.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Identity<\/h3>\n

Humans are a complicated, diverse, and dynamic species. From a cultural level all the way down to an individual level, we change and grow over time, not always in a way that \u2018makes sense\u2019 to everyone around us or even ourselves. That being said, reconciling our many identities can be difficult at times. As Zach explained, \u201cmy perception of the world around me is always being shaped by my identity… I don\u2019t believe there is only one \u2018correct\u2019 way to be Armenian and I don\u2019t believe there is a correct way to be queer. So, with that in mind, I\u2019d say my queerness is always active in my Armenian identity as I explore Armenian culture.\u201c Zach added, \u201cI\u2019ve found that my identity as an Armenian and as a non-binary person both exist in a liminal space… Nobody seems to be sure what to make of me as an Armenian or as a non-binary person. For me, the integration of the two hinges on that fact.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kathleen reaffirmed this thought when she told us, \u201cMy Armenian identity has always been deeply ingrained in me since I was a little kid\u2026 [but] my queer identity is my queer identity and Armenian is my cultural identity. They don\u2019t function separately from each other. I feel bigotry isn\u2019t inherently Armenian culture. I believe that is a personal identity trait, and it just so happens [that] many Armenians are unfortunately very ignorant and bigoted (along with sexist). But there are also many Armenians who aren\u2019t this way at all.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u0540\u057a\u0561\u0580\u057f (Proud)<\/h3>\n

Just as Kathleen, Zach, Peter, Nora, and Armen have held their Armenian identities their whole lives, so have queer Armenians felt a closeness to these seemingly contrary identities–whether they have come out or not. We have been gay, transgender, asexual, non-binary, Armenian, and many other things our entire lives, and that is not something that will ever change no matter how much oppression we face. More and more, we are learning to be proud of our intersecting queer Armenian identities and the many forms this takes. In the end, Armen told us, \u201cWhat I really wanted to share is that with all the agony of losing your family (it\u2019s particularly devastating for us Armenians, I know), all the internalized homophobia we have to heal from, all the myriad ways we are hurt and damaged by queerphobia, it\u2019s still possible to have yourself a decent life. Remember that we are the descendants of some really resilient people, Armenian + queer!… I want queer youth, especially Armenians in really scary homo\/trans\/queerphobic situations, to not give up, not stay silent. There are lots of people like you out there. And we love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

So with that, remember that we love you. If you are using this October 11 to come out to a friend, to your family, to a teacher, or simply to yourself, remember that no matter what people say, you are worthy of love and acceptance. If ever you struggle to find that acceptance, you can always reach out to a fellow Kooyrig, and we\u2019ll take your pain.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Article by Gabe Mugalian Art by Michelle Der Vartanian In 2015, Armenia infamously placed 47th out of 49 European and Eurasian countries in a ranking of civil liberties, protections, and recognition allowed to queer (LGBTQ) folk by their governments. 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