{"id":2013,"date":"2019-10-10T10:59:04","date_gmt":"2019-10-10T10:59:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pinkarmenia.org\/news-events\/letter-to-a-parent-wish-you-could-be-next-to-me\/"},"modified":"2023-04-26T07:50:54","modified_gmt":"2023-04-26T07:50:54","slug":"letter-to-a-parent-wish-you-could-be-next-to-me","status":"publish","type":"news_events","link":"https:\/\/pinkarmenia.org\/en\/news-events\/letter-to-a-parent-wish-you-could-be-next-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"Letter to a parent. Wish you could be next to me"},"content":{"rendered":"

LGBT persons wrote letters to their families.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Hello. I\u2019m Lilit. My friends call me Lyush. For a long time, I had the feeling Lilit isn\u2019t my name.<\/p>\n

Mom, do you remember, you\u2019ve told me one story about my name, and let\u2019s face it, the tale impressed me a lot. Do you remember, the grandma, whom I\u2019ve never seen, you\u2019re always saying that I look like her, decided aunt\u2019s and your names if she\u2019d have two daughters. But when my aunt was born, my grandpa was so happy, celebrated it with friends and drank so much, he gave the wrong name to my aunt. When you were born, my grandma and grandpa had one name which they could use, and the second name remained unused until I was born and you\u2019ve given me that name \u2013 Lilit \u2013 your name. My colleagues\u2026they will say \u201chuh, your Mom has given you\u2019re her own scenario and you picked it up, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah. But I don\u2019t want to listen to them, let psychologists analyze their clients. I want to return to us, I want to return to me and you. The story impressed me and has a symbolic mark for me, some kind of connection, that you\u2019re the closest person, whom I love and respect so much, I need you to be happy, I want to share with you the feelings inside of me, and to hear yours. Now I hear yours, I\u2019m with you when you need it when I can\u2026 I agree that I don\u2019t always succeed\u2026 but regardless of everything else I can\u2019t share my own, and that scares me. I\u2019m afraid to lose you, to lose your trust, your respect, your love, if you\u2019ll find out about my love, my love of women. I\u2019m scared I\u2019ll hear all these charges, insults and disgusting words which I listen from everyone else every day. I know I\u2019m not the only one with these feelings. I know there are other people like me, with the same fears and feelings. But I want you to know \u2013 to hear from others it\u2019s not so terrible; you get used to antagonistic attitude of people\u2026 it\u2019s not as terrible to hear as when I hear yours, your hostility; it stabs me: my personality, my self-being, my essence.<\/p>\n

Dad, do you remember, 90\u2019s\u2026we often spent evenings under the candlelight. You, me and my sister were making a paper world \u2013 with beautiful towers, buildings, trees, roads. Remember? Do you remember how with such excitement we\u2019ve been waiting for those evenings to continue to build and create beauty? Day by day we were creating that world; one day adding a tower, another day \u2013 roads\u2026 It was the world, which was beautiful, safe, which was our own. Now when I\u2019ve become older I understand you\u2019ve never said what you\u2019ve felt, what you\u2019ve thought; even now I am not sure what you feel, what you think, what you wanna from this life. Those towers, houses, trees were messages, which I got from you. I got that I\u2019ve to build my life and my world on my own. And persons close to me can help because it\u2019s very difficult to act alone. Now I\u2019ve built my world, my life, there are people next to me, who helped to create it, full of love and respect. One thing is missing. There\u2019s no paper world anymore, and you\u2019re far away from me. No, not physically, we\u2019re seeing each other on different occasions. You are psychologically detached. I\u2019m in my world, you\u2019re in your own. And there\u2019s a big sea of silence between those worlds, full of tensions and fears; my fears, maybe your fears too, I do not know. I only know I\u2019m afraid of losing you, losing your trust, your respect, your love, if you\u2019ll find out about my love, my love of women. I\u2019m scared I\u2019ll hear all those charges, insults and disgusting words which I listen from everyone else every single day. And sometimes I see these in your eyes. It hurts me, hurts very much like the stabs of a sword.<\/p>\n

You know, sometimes I am jealous that other parents don\u2019t hurt their children. Looking with love to those parents, who are with their children, and they aren\u2019t scared, or maybe they are scared, but anyway they are right there for their children; I don\u2019t know. I would love to fear or not to fear with you; I don\u2019t know. I wish you could be next to me, no matter what. I would really love, but\u2026<\/p>\n

Lilit, Yerevan<\/em><\/p>\n